Client Communications: Di� cult

Conversations Made EasierApproved for 1.5 General Credits for Washington Attorneys

Presented on May 26, 2015 • Seattle, WA

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Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier • LL150526WEB• i

FacultyA Special Thank You to Our Program Faculty!Those who have planned and will present at this WSBA CLE seminar are volunteers. Their gener-ous contributions of time, talent, and energy have made this program possible. We appreciate their work and their service to the legal profession.

Program FacultyLauren Glickman — Seattle, WA

Copyright © 2015 • Washington State Bar Association • All Rights ReservedThe materials and forms in this manual are published by the Washington State Bar Association for the use of its program registrants. Neither the Washington State Bar Association nor the contributors make either express or implied warranties in regard to the use of the materials and/or forms. Each at-torney must depend upon his or her own knowledge of the law and expertise in the use or modifi cation of these materials. The views and conclusions expressed herein are those of the authors and editors and are not necessarily those of the Washington State Bar Association or any division or committee thereof. Any websites represented by screenshots, logos or ads reproduced in the materials and forms are the copyrighted material of the website owners and are included for illustrative and educational purposes only.

Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier • LL150526WEB • ii

Summary of ContentsProgram Schedule ................................................................................................................................................................... iii

1 Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier ............................... 1-1 Lauren Glickman

Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier • LL150526WEB• iii

Program Schedule

Legal Lunchbox Series:Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

11:30 a.m. Webcast Check-in

12:00 p.m. Welcome and Introductions

12:03 p.m. Context Building and Self-Refl ectionConversation will lead participants to acknowledge that they can have a lot of infl uence in the way things go in most situations by building self-aware-ness and applicable skills.

12:33 p.m. A Little Physiology and AnxietyConversation explains the Autonomic Nervous System and the role it plays when we are fearful, anxious, or angry. We will also talk about behaviorally specifi c ways to remain a non-anxious presence in times of high-intensity.

12:48 p.m. Increasing the Likelihood that Conversations Go WellConversation will touch upon three models for thinking about communica-tions and upsets. We will include the Interpersonal Gap, The Ladder of Inference, and the Anatomy of an Upset.

1:18 p.m. Q & AFaculty will respond to questions posted by online viewers.

1:28 p.m. ConclusionWrap-up

1:30 p.m. Adjourn

Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier • LL150526WEB • iv

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Seminar Sponsor: WSBA-CLESeminar Name: Legal Lunchbox Series: Client Communications: Diffi cult Conversations Made Easier

(LL150526WEB)

Seminar Date: May 26, 2015

Approved Credits: 1.5 General CLE Credits for Washington Attorneys

Hours of Attendance:

Credits Earned: general ethics

Printed Name: Bar #:

I hereby certify that I have earned the number of general/ethics credits inserted above on the Credits Earned line.

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TIME OF ARRIVAL TIME OF DEPARTURE

CHAPTER ONE

CLIENT COMMUNICATIONS:

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS MADE EASIER

May 2015

Lauren Glickman

FORAY Consulting & Associates

Phone: (206) 696-0850

Email: lauren@forayconsulting.com www.forayconsulting.com

LAUREN GLICKMAN founded FORAY Consulting & Associates in 2007 and specializes in addressing issues of trauma exposure response. She works with individuals and groups who are repeatedly faced with the hardship and trauma of others due to the nature of their work. (e.g., oil spill responders, nurses, therapists, animal control officers, etc). Lauren helps people effectively manage high negative arousal in high-intensity, high-stakes, and high-urgency situations so that they can make the biggest difference possible. She is committed to the reality that we can serve these urgent missions and still stay healthy despite our close proximity to pain and tragedy. With over 20 years of experience as a trainer, facilitator, and director, Lauren brings first-hand experience, a breadth of knowledge and rigorous training to her work. After completing a B.A. in geography from Clark University, she served as a Peace Corps volunteer in Nicaragua and worked with rural farmers implementing agro-forestry techniques to prevent soil erosion. Upon returning to the United States, she went on to earn a M.A. in Applied Behavioral Sciences with a focus on leadership development, conflict management, training, facilitation, and coaching in organizations.

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Welcome to Client Communications: Difficult Conversations Made Easier

This workbook is a companion to the Client Communications: Difficult Conversations Made Easier

webinar for attorneys presented in the Legal Lunchbox program for the Washington State Bar

Association (WSBA).

At the center of the webinar content is the idea that you have the power to positively influence your

own day-to-day experience no matter what the context.

This webinar is unique in that it recognizes that there is no magic trick that takes the discomfort out of

difficult conversations. This webinar will invite you to self-reflect as well as help you find ways to

manage that discomfort. We’ll focus on three communication strategies that you can make work for

your personality to increase the likelihood that you will be effective during high-intensity moments.

I am privileged to share time with you. I always welcome your questions, thoughts, suggestions, and

collaboration.

Sincerely,

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Trauma Exposure Response

Trauma exposure response can be described as the change that takes place inside our bodies and minds

due to repeated exposure to the suffering and hardship of others.

In order to understand this change, we must understand what brought us to our work, how we relate to

what we do, and how we process our emotions about what we do.

Your journey to the seat you're in is unique and everything you bring with you (e.g., your skills and

abilities, your education, the messages from your family of origin, your beliefs about what is and isn't

possible, and your ability to self-regulate in the face of anxiety) give you a large part of your experience.

In Laura van Dernoot Lipsky's book, Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While

Caring for Others (2009), she states that trauma stewardship "...refers to the entire conversation about

how we come to do this work, how we are affected by it, and how we make sense of and learn from our

experiences."

This is something important. You are not in this conversation because the work you do is hard and

emotional; you’re in this conversation because you chose work that is hard and emotional.

The Heart of the Matter

We all got messages from our Family of Origin (FOO) about how to behave in groups. Some of these

messages serve us beautifully, while others work against us. One of the most important things we can

do in service of our own ability to deal well with difficult conversations is to examine the messages that

we got in our FOO in some very specific areas. This will help you develop more conscious choice about

how you want to be during the difficult times. We usually resort to a limited number of automatic

behaviors when intensity rises, and developing more conscious choice in this area allows for more

options and intentional options.

Areas of Inquiry ∙ Anger∙ Giving compliments∙ Apologizing∙ Not having the answer∙ Celebrating∙ Sharing credit∙ Displaying affection∙ Making mistakes∙ Asserting yourself∙ Grieving∙ Disagreeing

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Locus of Control

Locus of control is a theory in personality psychology referring to the extent to which individuals believe

that they can control their lives. A person's "locus" (Latin for "place" or "location") is conceptualized as

internal or external, although it is more realistic to think of it as a continuum. We do, however, tend to

lean toward internal or external as our default perception.

External: you tend to believe that the quality and direction of your life is determined by what

happens around you and to you, the actions of others, or to chance factors.

Internal – you tend to believe that the quality and direction of your life is determined by your

behaviors and your response to what happens around you and to you.

Bi-local - dual loci of control. You tend to handle stress and cope more efficiently by having the

mixture of internal and external loci of control. People that have this mix can take personal

responsibility for their actions and the consequences while remaining capable of relying upon

outside resources.

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Creating Choice

Reactivity Intentionality

Repeated behaviors/thoughts

High negative-arousal

Anxiety

Physical and emotional symptoms

Limitations

Discomfort

Generating choices

Practiced calm

Active self-soothing

Resiliency

Possibilities

Discomfort

Your Autonomic Nervous System

Your autonomic nervous system (ANS) acts as a type of control system, functioning predominantly

below consciousness. The autonomic nervous system controls functions such as heart rate, digestion,

respiratory rate, salivation, perspiration, pupillary dilation, micturition (urination) and sexual arousal.

Most autonomic functions are involuntary, but a number of them work with some degree of conscious

control. Examples are breathing, swallowing, sexual arousal, and sometimes heart rate.

The ANS is generally divided into two subsystems: the sympathetic nervous system and the

parasympathetic nervous system. These two subsystems have a complex relationship but for the

purposes of our discussion here are some basics.

Sympathetic Parasympathetic

Reactive

Perceived threat – phys/psych

Fight, flight, freeze, or faint

Less articulate/Less creative

Fewer options

Receptive

Non-anxious

Rest and relax

Articulate /Creative

Many options

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Defusing a Trigger

Choose one. Then ask yourself the following questions. Be as specific as behaviorally specific as you

possibly can.

What is upsetting about it?

What do you do when you are triggered by this?

What do you make it mean?

What if that were not true?

What are other emotional and behavioral options when you get triggered?

Being a Non-Anxious Presence

Active Self-Soothing

• Defuse your triggers

• Have thoughts on purpose

• 4 x 4 breathing

• Create a daily practice

• Be mindful of

• increasing anxiety in the system

• your focus

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Complaining

In many groups, complaining is used as an unconscious anxiety-management strategy. Think about the

payoffs and the costs of complaining. Consider what the long-term results are from chronic complaining

as well as consistent complaining about things that cannot be changed.

Triangulation

Unhealthy triangulation – talking about someone instead of direct communication

Sharing anxiety

Getting agreement and “building a case”

Avoiding a difficult conversation

Healthy triangulation – talking about someone in preparation of a direct communication

Asking people to listen in a certain way

Getting clear on your intention

Preparing to have a difficult conversation

The Interpersonal Gap

So often we relate to communication as if it’s in the hands of the speaker. That is to say that many of us

think that speaking to someone or telling someone something is at the heart of communication. Many

of us experience miscommunication as if it’s because we didn’t use the right words, or put it the right

way. The Interpersonal Gap describes a more comprehensive way of thinking about communication in

that it holds the talking and the listening as equally important to ensure that messages are effectively

communicated.

The Interpersonal Gap was developed by John L. Wallen and is illustrated below. He describes effective

communication as a process that results in a shared understanding or meaning.

This model holds both the speaker (who has the intention and shares a message) and the listener (who

experiences the impact of their interpretation of the message) accountable for ensuring that

communication is effective. Closing the Interpersonal Gap involves a two-way process of filling in the

missing information by sharing our intentions and sharing the impact.

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Intentions Actions Impact

…are private

….known only to the one who has them

…are public

…are observable

…may be verbal or nonverbal

…is private

…is the person’s response to the

actions of another.

…is rarely the same among persons

for the same action.

Example

Think about the way you understand the acronym ASAP as compared to the phrase as soon as possible.

Many of us hear “Please do the report ASAP” and believe it means that you need to prioritize the report

above other things. “As soon as possible” might mean to some of us that we will put it on our list and

get to it when we can knowing that sooner is better. Others might see/hear as soon as possible and

interpret it as doing it before other things.

This simple example illustrates that we have preconceptions about what things mean that impact how

we interpret even the most common of messages.

Two things can help minimize the gap between the intended message and the impact.

1. Leading with intentions using The Five Whys

2. Checking for impact

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Leading with Intention

When you lead with intention, you let the listener know the underlying reason you are communicating.

This is particularly helpful when the message you are about to deliver might be difficult for the listener

to hear. Perhaps it’s constructive feedback or a request to do something they are unlikely to enjoy.

Whatever it is, letting the listener know what is behind your words will minimize the gap between

intention and impact.

Ultimately, you want to lead with something in which the other person would want to join you.

The Five Whys

It’s not always easy to articulate the intention behind our communications. To begin to articulate your

intention for any important and/or difficult communication you can use a technique called The Five

Whys. The Five Whys is a technique you use on yourself or with a partner – this is not something you use

to interrogate others about their intentions.

Use this technique whenever you are faced with initiating a conversation and you want to lead with

intention.

We will practice this during the Constructive Conflicts workshop. If you want to practice right now, think

of a conversation that you would like to have that might be difficult.

Then answer the question, “What do you want?” The answer to this will be a very simple statement.

Once you have that you can ask yourself why you want that. Then ask yourself why you want that.

Keep going until you feel like you’ve got an over-arching intention for the communication.

Don’t worry if you’re not sure you got it right. It’s not always easy to get to it – especially alone. It’s

very helpful if you have someone ask you The Five Whys instead of yourself. You can always contact the

workshop facilitator, Lauren Glickman, when you want to be coached through this.

Confirming Understanding

Ideally, the listener will share responsibility for ensuring that the intention of the speaker matches the

impact on the listener. When that happens, the listener will confirm their understanding by sharing

what they heard and what they think it means as a way of minimizing the gap.

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When this does not happen, the speaker can ask the listener what they heard and what they made it

mean. This can be awkward, but if we’re going to prioritize effective communication (which means that

we have a shared understanding), then we need to check in with the listener(s) to make sure that what

we are intending to communicate is what was understood.

One of the best ways to handle the awkwardness is to actually say something about it. You could say

something like “I know it’s a bit unusual, but I’m wondering if you could explain back to me what I was

just saying because I want to avoid any misunderstandings” in your own style of course.

Ladder of Inference

The Ladder of Inference describes the way human beings select, interpret, and process the information

available to them to make meaning and understand the world. It was created by Harvard Business

professor Chris Argyris. The Ladder of Inference is read from the bottom up.

We then develop beliefs based on those conclusions.

We develop assumptions and come to conclusions based on the meaning we added.

We add meaning to this selected observable data and experience.

We then select the pieces of the observable data and experience that seems relevant and important to us.

We begin with all the observable data and experience – what the video camera would capture.

A Few Good Books

Trauma Stewardship, by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

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Extraordinary Relationships, by Roberta M. Gilbert

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Stone, Patton, & Heen

A Few Terrific (and relevant) TED Talks

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html

http://www.upworthy.com/before-you-go-shopping-today-listen-to-this-harvard-guy-talk-about-

spending-money-and-happiness

Worth-Your-Time Webinars

HeartMath offers many useful webinars. You can find a list of them at

www.heartmath.com/webinars/personal-use-webinars.html

I recommend starting with these:

Overcome Overwhelm - Tap Into Your Own Internal Pharmacy - with Sheva Carr, Deborah Rozman Ph.D

and Sara Gottfried http://www.heartmath.com/webinars/overcome-overwhelm-webinar.html

A Return to Health Part I - with Wendy Warner, MD, ABIHM and Brad Hubbell, aCH

http://www.heartmath.com/webinars/warner-hubbell-webinar-form.html

A Return to Health Part II - with Wendy Warner, MD, ABIHM and Brad Hubbell, aCH

http://www.heartmath.com/webinars/warner-hubbell2-webinar-form.html

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Client Communication: Difficult Conversations Made Easier

Lauren Glickman, MA Principal Consultant and Owner Foray Consulting lauren@forayconsulting.com 206-696-0850

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Trauma Stewardship – “refers to the entire conversation about how we come to do this work, how we are affected by it, and how we make sense of and learn from our experiences.” - Laura van Dernoot Lipsky

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Anger Giving compliments Apologizing Not having the answer Celebrating Sharing credit Displaying affection Making mistakes Asserting yourself Grieving Disagreeing

The Heart of the Matter

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Locus of Control

Internal

External

Bi - Local

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Creating Choice

REACTIVITY Repeated behaviors/thoughts High-negative arousal Anxiety Physical and emotional

symptoms Limitations Discomfort

INTENTIONALITY Generating choices Practiced calm Active self-soothing Resiliency Possibilities Discomfort

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Your Autonomic Nervous System

Reactive

Perceived threat – phys/psych

Fight, flight, freeze, or faint

Less articulate/Less creative

Fewer options

Receptive

Non-anxious Rest and relax

Articulate/Creative

Many options

SYMPATHETIC PARASYMPATHETIC

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Being Excluded

Being Corrected

Ambiguous Answer

Defusing Emotional Triggers

Being Told What to Do

Condescension

Getting Interrupted

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Triangulation

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Lenses

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The Inter-Personal Gap

FILTER Values

Beliefs

FOO

Weather

My role

Gender

Race

Expectation

Evidence

Religion

Traffic

FILTER Values

Beliefs

FOO

Weather

My role

Gender

Race

Expectation

Evidence

Religion

Traffic

Impact

(private) Intention

(private)

Behaviors and Actions (public)

The Gap

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Leading with Intention and The Five Whys

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

What Do You Want?

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You need to let your client, John know that his behavior is hurting his case and you need him to stop being rude to those around him. John, I know you’re angry, but you have been really

rude lately and you need to stop doing that if you want me to be effective.

John, I really want to provide you with the best possible counsel. I need you to help me do that. OK? I need you to stop being rude to the other party.

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Confirming Understanding

Paraphrase Share Assumptions Confirm Meanings

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Video

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The Ladder of Inference (developed by Chris Argyris)

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A Few Good Books

Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky Extraordinary Relationships by

Roberta M. Gilbert Difficult Conversations: How to

Discuss What Matters Most by Stone, Patton, & Heen

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Thank you for the work you do.

Presented by Lauren Glickman Foray Consulting lauren@forayconsulting.com 206-696-0850

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